Well I Never

Wow

2007-06-19T13:43:00.000+01:00

It's absolutely lovely outside today, the kind of day that really makes you question exactly why you are sitting in an crappy office with dodgy air-con and doing work you don't really enjoy.

Or at least it makes me question it.

Talking of the air-con. It's almost totally broken down at the moment which means that the temperature was maxing out at about 30 - 31 degrees. Not a nice feeling to come in to work and then sit in a pool of sweat for the whole day.

Luckily the building managers found a cunning way to alleviate the problem, yes, you've guessed it, they opened the windows. Now this would be a brilliant idea if we were based in a nice green science park or out in the countryside, but no, we're on one of the busiest roads in the City and next to a very major police station. Noisy isn't the word....

I never get ill

2007-03-09T15:19:00.000Z

Or at least that's what used to happen. I could quite happily shift through life and miss out on all the colds and flus and pandemic botulism outbreaks. They would quite simply give me a miss.

This appears to have changed, I was ill in February and this week I've been ill again. This one was a big one as well. Four days off work with Viral Gastroenteritis. It wasn't pleasant. That said, neither was daytime TV.

What a load of crap, Phil and Fern aren't anywhere near as good as Richard and Judy, Richard and Judy are now (?) terrible, the kids shows only appear to have 'amusing' puppets in them and none of them are educational about cool things like castles and bridges, the guy who does the shouty 'Trisha' type show on ITV appears to be exactly the same guy who does 'The Wright Stuff' (probably Mr Wright) but both shows are allegedly live so I don't understand how they work and no one seems to do an afternoon film anymore. How are the youth of today ever going to know the merits of George Formby or Ice Cold in Alex when all they get is Diagnosis Murder.

In fact, the only decent thing appears to be Countdown and for some reason I always missed half of that and it appears to be presented by Des O'Conner. It just makes you wonder, what do people do who stay at home all day?

I'm no longer ill

2007-02-20T15:30:00.000Z

I just haven't been up to anything worth writing about. Perhaps February is just a seriously boring month all round. I have been playing around with Facebook though, it seems that all the cool kids are into it and I, like a couple of million other sheep, am following along with the craze.

It has to be said, things like Facebook are making me waste a lot of otherwise productive time!

Hmmm....still sick

2007-01-29T14:22:00.000Z

I am still struck down with 'the sickness'. The flu aspect seems to have disappeared now, at least I'm not falling asleep every half hour and then waking up in pools of my own sweat. Even the barking (neighbour annoying) cough seems to have eased up a bit.

Unfortunately, now I seem to be on a different level all together. It's a lightheadedness thing, I feel like I'm slightly drunk, the world spins, everything is like it's wrapped in cotton wool. I just feel slightly confused all the time. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now (on and off), and so a trip to the doctor is in order I think.

As for today, I think that I'm going to go home from work early as, quite frankly, it really isn't doing it for me today....

I am sick

2007-01-25T16:05:00.000Z

Not in a fancying my sister kind of way, in an actual illness kind of way. I'm all hot and cold and coughing and spluttering and yet am still in work. Hope I infect the lot of them with my special plague.

I even had to go to bed at 7:30 last night because my house was so cold that the warmest place was in bed. This, on the whole, does not make me happy. I don't like being ill as it interferes with things I need to do, like run to work, drink on Friday nights, play hockey and go to parties themed with a 'P'.

Talking of which, if I do manage to drag myself to this party, what shall I go as, personally I was thinking of wearing a blue suit, blue hat and carrying a fluffy toy cat. Hey presto....Postman Pat. Don't really want to go as a pornstar as thats just too easy...

p.s. I don't have a sister.

Euuggghhhh

2007-01-25T07:50:00.000Z

Come on, dog walkers, it's not too much to ask is it? If your delightful little puppy lays the kind of size log that has it's own postal code and does it on a road that has very few street lamps (such as my own) then please clean it up rather than leaving it as the doggy equivilent of a landmine.

If you can't manage that, then perhaps having the dog put down will help.

Just not rock and roll

2007-01-23T14:18:00.000Z

Sometimes I think that I must be getting just a bit too old. Was out on Saturday night at a bar in Hoxton (behind Old Street Tube Station) and to be totally honest I think I looked a bit out of place.

For a start, I didn't have the pained expression and the drainpipe jeans (thinking about it, those two could actually be connected), I was ordering my beer in pints rather than small bottles and perhaps the most revealing thing.....when I went to the toilet, I was going because I needed to go to the toilet.

There must of been at least three dealers in the bar that night doing a roaring trade in, and this is only a guess based on peoples expressions and activities, coke and pills. God help you if you wanted to use the cubicle for what it was designed for.

I've never been a drug taker, alcohol is usually my thing on a night out, but the dealing was going on in such a blatent way that you have to assume that it was sanctioned by the bar owners. If the police are having a slow month for arrests then this place would definitely have bumped up their figures!

Or, perhaps it's going on everywhere like this and I've just been going to the wrong(right) pubs and/or have always had my eyes closed.

Before!! That's just cruel.

2007-01-14T18:34:00.000Z

Getting ditched before a date. Now, if you ask me, that's just cruel. At least give me the chance to totally arse things up and then don't see me again.

As you might of guessed, the date I was trying to sort out in one of the previous posts actually got arranged. And I got stood up the night before.

Bugger.

Running

2007-01-03T23:06:00.000Z

If you're into the whole exercise thing then this site is probably what you need, it allows you to map out runs/rides and that kind of thing and then save them off for sharing or just revisting at a later date.

http://www.mapmyrun.com

My current (rather short) attempts can be seen here:

My Runs

Too much pie

2007-01-03T23:00:00.000Z

I went running along my usual course today for the first time since pie-fest 2006 or Christmas/New Year as it's more commonly known.

It was difficult, I could almost feel the four turkeys and one thousand mince pies resisting at every footfall. I even had to stop and walk at one point and my thighs are stiff as all hell now.

All that with only two weeks off. I planned to run a couple of 10ks later this year but on the way I currently feel, 'later' might well be about 10 months later.

Can't wait to see how tomorrow goes!

Ah voicemail, the last resort of a coward

2007-01-03T22:48:00.000Z

It should be noted that I'm not the best on phones. Bloody awful some might say, conversations full of awkward silences while I try to think off the next thing to say. And that's only when my parents phone up for their weekly chat.

So you can imagine how bad I am when it comes to that situation.

On New Years Eve I met a girl, a nice girl, a seriously good looking girl; a girl, who, on the whole was pretty top draw. We got on pretty well (from what I remember), numbers were exchanged and a few texts as well. Now we get to the sticky point. It's two days later (two days, for some reason, being the number that I've always thought was just the right amount of time) and I actually need to make the call.

The conversation's simple isn't it, bit of jovial chit chat, have you recovered from NYE yet, do you fancy going out for a drink/dinner etc. So why is it so bloody terrifying? It took me ages to pluck up the courage but I finally did it.

And her voicemail was switched on.

So the problem, in a way, is solved. If she gets in touch then great, if she doesn't then so be it. At least I've made a positive move (even if it easy for everyone else out there in the world).

I think I should add another resolution to the previous list.

7. Be more confident and stop being such a bloody coward

And that is definitely the last one. Six would have been hard to keep. Seven is going to be a nightmare!

Oh sweet lord

2007-01-02T14:00:00.000Z

It's now 2pm on January 2nd and I'm still feeling the after-effects of the New Years Eve celebrations.

Went to a Bond themed party at a friends house that went on from about 7pm and was still going strong when I finally gave up at 8am. To say that I felt a bit ill yesterday would be a massive understatement. Still, the party itself easily made up for it (with the exception of that usual depressed feeling at midnight when you realise that you've achieved absolutely nothing in the past year).

Still, with New Years come resolutions and I've been looking at what I wanted to achieve in the year gone. It only took the quickest of looks to realise that I've been a tiny bit lax on the whole thing. As far as I can remember, and some of the year was a little hazy, I haven't:

Learnt to speak German (although I was chatting with a very friendly one on NYE)
Learnt any piano skills (or even been near one)
Learnt to ride a motorbike

So, should I just roll these ones over into this new year or perhaps amend them slightly? Probably the latter, so here's this years:

Have some flying lessons (already got one booked so that's in the bag)
Don't screw up the arranging of my brothers stag night
Have some motorbike lessons
Get my cellar sorted out (all it'll take is a builder and a couple of weeks)
More dates (women based ones that is, rather than these)
Have some golf lessons.

There, I think that'll do it for now. Always good to have something to strive for, even if you don't really end up going through with most of them!

Happy New Year!

Christmassy Things...

2007-01-02T13:46:00.000Z

I know it's a bit late, but, Happy Christmas one and all (or have a happy religious/non religious type situation of your choice).

Bit of a quiet one this year, no drunken shenanigans like last year but I did make up for it by eating what felt like the whole agricultural produce of a small nation. I'm beginning to regret that now as it'll probably take two weeks just until all my clothes fit normally again.

Anyway, Christmas is all about the presents isn't it? Personally, I went back to my childhood and got a toy for Christmas. There's nothing like opening a present and actually having something to play with rather than something like a picture which, although you wanted it, just isn't that exciting. So, this year I got a remote control helicopter and promptly demonstrated my superb flying skills by crashing it straight into the washing line (should have taken that down really) and breaking the rotor.

It's next flight will definitely be in a much bigger space and will obviously involve quite a bit more sellotape!

Worryingly for everyone in the Surrey area, I also got a flying lesson as well. In a real plane. In the sky. This is up there in the ultra-exciting league of cool things, I always wanted to be a pilot from being really small and even went to the RAF Recruiting office to sign up when I was 16 (they told me to go and get some A-levels). So, perhaps this could be the start of a new career, pretty good way to start the new year I think!

Oh no it isn't.......!

2006-12-18T14:19:00.000Z

I went to the pantomime on Friday night. Something I haven't done since I was about 14 (and my dad got free tickets 'cos of his job. He was a midget wrangler).

The 'panto' in question was Cinderella and as it was in the cultural high spot that is Woking it had two (yes, two) high calibre guest stars. The first was Patick "I was in Dallas in the 80's" Duffy and the second was Susan "a touch too much Botox" George who was in Monach of the Glen.

A couple of things became obvious straight away, mainly that the guest stars actually had pretty small parts and must have been getting paid a fortune for doing very little. Secondly, the producers were really going to town on the whole Dallas connection. The music played in some form every time PD came on the stage. All well and good, but when you consider that 80% of the audience were too young to remember Dallas then it might have been a bit wasted. Other than that it was all good fun, lots of shouting and booing when needed, all the typical Panto type stuff.

One other thing struck me. Cinderella. What a moaning little cow. And a massive prick tease as well. There she is, getting Buttons hopes up so much that he proposes and she goes and runs off with the rich guy instead who she's never really met and just bumped into in the woods. Not really the best message for kids! As for the moaning, she spent most of her time moaning about something and if she'd just stood up for herself a bit against her ugly sisters then half her problems wouldn't have happened.

My verdict, if you're choosing a panto, go for one with dwarfs in it. They're always good for a laugh.

Christmas Curry

2006-12-14T14:54:00.001Z

In the dark recesses of time we (a group of friends, mainly from University) used to celebrate Christmas by convening in someones house and cooking a massive Christmas dinner before having a bit of party. This tradition lasted from the mid-90's until about 2000. I think that the last dinner was the Christmas of 2000 in our massive shared house in Hurst Croft.

Time passed and people started buying their own homes. This meant that the people in the party venue were less willing to open up their houses to 16+ people who were going to get drunk and generally devestate the house.

So the tradition moved and evolved. The Christmas curry was formed. The plan was simple, the celebration would move from a Sunday in someones house to a Thursday night in the local curry house. The thursday slot meant that we could stagger to Cindies afterwards for some Christmas 'nite clubbing'. The tradition was good and it lasted quite a while.

The thing is, people got older, more people got married and the urge to go to what is probably one of the worst clubs in Britain disipated a bit. And so things evolved again, to their current format.

So tonight sees the 2006 Christmas curry. Quick pint in the Tup, curry in the Comedy Waiters (does anyone actually know what it's really called?) followed by pints in The Drummond and culminating in drinking everything I have in my house that is vaguely alcoholic.

Unfortunately, the only photos I have of this regular event are from 2003 and are here. Don't know what happened to the other years, but if anyone has any shots then I would like them!

So, it's going to be great, I will be drunk, I probably won't go to bed until very late/early and I have tomorrow off work.

Happy Christmas Curry day everyone!

Don't smile, you might crack

2006-12-14T13:40:00.000Z

What's the deal at the moment with quite elderly celebrities (particularly musicians) going for the extreme botox look. Have you seen the adverts up all over the place for Barry Manilows new album. He actually looks like he's made out of plastic.

At the other extreme is Rod Stewart, he's also got a new album out and the picture on the front portrays him as a 35-40 year old guy. The airbrush artists must have been on double overtime to get that one sorted out.

Why do it, it's not as if it's kidding anyone is it? Is it......?

Oooo, Department Christmas Lunch...

2006-12-13T15:59:00.000Z

These things really are just an afternoon wrecker. You take the whole department out, ply them with beer and champagne and then attempt to get a full afternoons work out of them. Who are we kidding here, productivity will slump to near zero and the most activity will be carried out by the management team who are just trying to keep people awake.

Luckily we got back to work to find that all the servers (and the air-con) had crashed while we were out and so we can't do any work at all this afternoon! Woo and Yay!

The day I went to the work Christmas party...

2006-12-11T10:48:00.000Z

And didn't embarrass myself once. Not at all. Not in any way, shape or form.

Quite impressive really, and I managed to get the right train home as well and so didn't end up sleeping on the platform at Waterloo (it has happened before).

The party itself was one of those ok but not great events. Good rousing speach from the CEO, lots of free beer, food and then dancing. Good if you like dancing but pretty limited otherwise. Other than that, not really much to say, which pretty much sums up the whole thing really.

The day I blew out an obvious threesome

2006-12-11T10:47:00.000Z

I'll come back to this I promise. The memories are still a bit painfull at the moment...

The day I totally ruined my chances with a very attractive girl...

2006-12-06T21:01:00.000Z

I don't think that details are important here, the lesson to learn is that when one of your friends says

"Wow, did I see you snogging that hot blond girl just a second ago"

The thing not to say is

"Yes, beautiful isn't she. Shame she's an absolute fruitcake, mad as a hatter"

And then you find out she is standing behind you.

The Day I nearly set the house on fire...

2006-12-06T20:40:00.000Z

Following a particularly heavy session one Saturday....

Got home, put a pizza in the oven and then fell asleep, woke up to the fire alarm going off and the house full of thick black smoke.

Realised that pizza was probably inedible.

Opened all the windows and tried to shut the fire alarm off. My alarms plug into the light sockets and so figured that the best idea would be to take out the bulb, then the alarm and chuck it down the toilet to shut the bloody thing up.

Reached up and cracked the light bulb straight into my hand. Bled. A lot. Finally got the alarm off the mains. Alarm carries on going off, for an hour, drop the alarm in the sink and cover it in water. Alarm carries on going off. Hit alarm with hammer. Alarm carries on going off. Submerge alarm again, close all the doors and go to bed.

Wake up in the morning, house smells like someone has napalmed it, there is a liberal amount of blood everywhere. Sodding alarm is still making feeble beeping sounds.

Went to B&Q later to buy a new alarm, on reading the instructions it seems I could have turned it off by just flipping the light switch a couple of times.

I think there is a lesson to be learnt here, always put the timer on the oven!

...!....

2006-12-06T20:27:00.000Z

It's been mentioned to me by quite a few people, just in passing of course, that I'm particularly shit at writing blog entries recently.

Now my argument would be that, as I don't live in Australia anymore, you could just go down the pub with me and have a chat.

This it seems, isn't a good enough excuse and consequently I've got to start writing again. Bugger. Effort, it really isn't me!

Actually I've just been watching Nigella Lawsons Christmas Feast (or whatever it's called). There's definitely something strangely sexy about that woman. Perhaps it's the sultry looks at the camera over a steaming cake, who knows....

Anyway, back on with the show...

In other news...

2006-08-31T23:14:00.000+01:00

Hmm, tricky one this. This is actually the main reason why I don't really write on this any more, I simply have no real life to speak of. Still, exciting things that have happened recently....

I've bought a toolbox. Not that exciting, obviously, but practical. Now I look like a proper homeowner and as an additional benefit I now have loads more room in the pan cupboard. For pans. And stuff. This, in hindsight, might not have been that exciting to anyone except for me. And that's only because it's been a slow month.

I managed to break a tooth in half yesterday and had to go to the dentist today. The good news is that he did a good job in fixing it up so it looks presentable. The bad news is that it'll mean a crown. And the really bad news is that a crown for this tooth will cost 500 quid and need me to be squirming in the dentists chair for about 1hr 40mins. Oh joy.

Website updates

2006-08-31T23:12:00.000+01:00

The other site has been updated with photos from......

The trip to Copenhagen
The trip to Tallinn
The trip to Helsinki
Omars birthday
Nick and Jo's wedding

and finally

Barnestaple hockey tour '06

So there!

The day it was a bit wierd in the gym....

2006-07-29T10:54:00.000+01:00

I’d just got out of the shower and was vigorously towelling down my back. The kind where you hold two opposite corners of the towel and give yourself a good rub down. Unfortunately, my hand slipped at exactly the wrong time, resulting in me ‘towel whipping’ the guy next to me.

The naked guy next to me

On his arse.

There was a moment of uncomfortable tension as we looked at each other.

And we slowly edged further away from each other and made some kind of poor joke.

I got dressed and left quickly.

Links

2006-07-26T00:01:00.000+01:00

I think it's time to redo the links to other blogs as they are seriously out of date. It's good to see that this one has been reinstated under a new owner though:

http://southern-bird.blogspot.com/

Thing is, the content looks fairly banal and mundane but I'm sure it's a front for something much more sinister.

Buzz

2006-07-25T23:32:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene, it's a hot and sunny evening; people are sitting outside a bustling bar in the centre of Guildford; a glass collector is walking round and picking up the empties.

Unfortunately it seems that the barman is a bit scared of things that fly and buzz. As one moves in, he flails around (not unlike a 7 year old girl), he gets more and more disturbed and panicked and with one final move, he throws out his right arm to scare away the bee.

It's then that the empty pint glass at the top of the stack he is carrying sails off in to the sunset, straight for a poor guy sitting at the table opposite.

As luck would have it, his quick reactions saved him. There was a total shocked silence around the beer garden but you should have heard the language once the shock had worn off....

Whistles...

2006-07-24T23:21:00.000+01:00

I'm going to ignore the fact that I haven't written anything on here for ages. Excuses are for the weak.

F**king Cowboys

2006-07-24T23:17:00.000+01:00

Bloody South-West trains are the biggest bunch of useless arses in the entire world (apart from possibly the UN at the moment). The train home from work has been late everyday for the last two weeks and it's delayed in the mornings on most days as well.

It really makes me wonder why I give them 2 and a half grand a year for the so called privilige of not getting a seat in a carriage that isn't air conditioned on a train that can't run on time.

And most of these problems because it is a bit hot. The Japanese and Germans don't have this problem on their railways and you can't tell me it never gets a bit warm over there.....

Ouch

2006-06-28T00:37:00.000+01:00

I was going to write about the other legs of our trip tonight but I've been sitting in A&E for the last 2 and a half hours.

Twisted my ankle when I hit a curb badly while out running tonight and have buggered up the three ligaments in my ankle. It was hurting quite a bit but the magic painkillers they gave me at hospital have worked a treat. That and the fact that i've got crutches to help me get around.

Hasn't helped my exercise routine one bit though, on crutches for the rest of the week and then a two to three week recovery time. Bollocks.

Mad but impressive

2006-06-28T00:32:00.000+01:00

One thing I forgot about the Copenhagen trip, a few of the guys were there to run a half marathon over the bridge linking Denmark and Sweden. Unfortunately one of them had broken his arm the week before which meant that he had to retire and that there was a space open.

One of my other mates was also not running (the same as me) and so the night before the race we stayed up until 4am drinking and enjoing the Danish nightlife. When you stay in hostels you tend to get up earlyish so about 6 hours later we were both meeting up with the others who were running. It's then that M says that he wouldn't mind a bit of a run (13 miles), procedes to eat a McDonalds Big Mac Meal, drink half a litre of coke and then goes and does the race!

No specific training, nothing. And how do you think he did? We he finished it in under 1 hour 55 mins, ahead of one of the guys who had been training and didn't even feel stiff afterwards.

The man is a machine!

Copenhagen

2006-06-22T00:02:00.000+01:00

The first leg of my three stop trip around Scandanavia. It's pretty hard to sum up a country in a few short sentences without sounding a bit dull but I'll do my best.....

1. Architecture: Pretty groovy in a Northern European kind of way. It actually looks a lot like Holland when you are by the canals but away from them it has the central European layout of large grand squares with lots of pavement cafes. There's not really that much on the building side that stands out, I suppose the Opera house is quite impressive but I've seen Sydney and in my Opera house top 5 it comes a distinct no. 3 (Sydney and London fill the top two, and I've only seen three so the last two places are up for contention)

2. Prices: Sweet christ it's expensive. Seriously hardcore expensive. Really really expensive. You thought it was a bit pricey in London didn't you? Well, believe me, it's nothing to Copenhagen. Alcohol is always the best commodity to measure this kind of thing and it's running at about a fiver a pint. Ouch.

3. Tourist sights: There's loads to see, the Little Mermaid is a touch on the lame side though and it's a good 40 minute walk to get out there. Loads of impressive buildings though. The Tivoli gardens are pretty impressive as well. An amusement park right in the very center of the city. I did however go in the worst ride in the world. Haven't felt so sick or so banged around in a long time. Actually, I think the whole thing could be easily mimicked in the comfort of your own lounge by drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels, doing a handstand and then being squarely kicked in the balls for 5 minutes. Brilliant.

4. The ladies: Stunning, don't think I really need to say any more than that. Naturally tanned, blonde, toned.......

Other than all that stuff above, I think the thing that really made it was the presence of Ditta and a couple of her friends who took us out and gave us a real locals viewpoint of the city. They even took time off work to escort a party of rowdy Brits and a token Kiwi around so they probably deserve the present that we'll be buying them....(note to self: remember to buy a present).

It's Tallinn next (actually, I'm writing this from there). Eastern Europe, a whole new experience. Should be interesting...

Stunning victory

2006-06-09T09:59:00.000+01:00

Our rugby team scored a stunning 5-0 victory on Wednesday, our first of the season and one that drags us kicking and screaming off the bottom of the league. It felt great, our first points of the campaign, especially as our opponents were in second place at the time.

I'd imagine that it'd have felt even better if the opposition had bothered to turn up and we hadn't just won by default, but that's not the point is it, a win's a win after all!

Forgotten

2006-06-06T23:30:00.000+01:00

Forgot to mention in my highly efficient bullet points below

a. We are still shit at Touch Rugby. Got beaten soundly by a team that had two less players than us a couple of weeks ago. As a matter of fact, we haven't won a single game so far or even come close. Still, everybody loves a trier I suppose.

b. I've updated the Other Site recently with loads of pictures and a new look. Admittedly, if you're interested in the pictures then you've probably already been sent an email, but heyhoe. Ignore the scrappyness of the menu as well, that's very much a work in progress!

Holidays

2006-06-06T23:25:00.000+01:00

Booked my holiday last week and am heading off at the end of next week. Three days in Copenhagen, a plane to Tallinn, Estonia, three days there and then the ferry to Helsinki and three days there. Should be brilliant as I've never been to Skandanavia before (or for that matter, any of the old Soviet Bloc countries).

I've heard that Finland is a touch on the pricey side but I think it'll be worth it. I'm heading off with a few of the lads so hopefully there'll be some good continental drinking and clubbing as well as the usual touristy highlights. That reminds me, must see what kind of books the Lonely Planet has on that area!

Hmmm

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000+01:00

Extensive slackness on my behalf. A combination of general apathy and being truly busy at work and not having the time to even consider a blog. The other thing is that the more stuff piles up that you feel you should write about, the more you don't want to do it. A bit like those homework essays at school I suppose.

Anyhow, I've done some of the following things in the last few weeks:

Gone to a wedding - it was brilliant, congrats to Jules and Jon
Been a bit cultural - Dali exhibition (good, but not brilliant as it didn't have the pictures I really wanted to see), Tate Modern (great photography wing, the rest was a bit of arty rubbish though)
Been a huge geek - Bought an XBox360 (don't really have that much time to play with it though, curse you work!)
Got increasingly pissed off with work. Their procedures are shit and they really couldn't find their own arse in a darkened room. There is a massive blame culture and I feel the arrow is shifting in my direction. Presentation to some seriously important people tomorrow so hopefully that will send the arrow of doom heading off towards someone else.
Slobbed on the sofa, watching the football on Saturday after a proper old fashioned night out (until dawn) in a club/bar in Brixton.

Bloody hell, it's funny how much you can sum up in a couple of short bullet points!

Sporting Prowress

2006-05-10T23:51:00.000+01:00

I'd love to say that our Touch Rugby team (team name:Touching Cloth) are going from strength to strengh. Unfortunately it'd be a bit of a lie, in the same way that Gengis Khan was a bit of a barbarian.

Got hammered 5-0 this week which is better than last week but not by much. It isn't even our fitness that's letting us down. After all we do have some seriously fit players and a couple of marathon runners in the squad. I think that our main problem is that we're just amazingly shit. That and the fact that the whole team look forward to going to the pub more than the match itself.

It may be time to mumble something about it being a crap game and just skulk away some where, we'll have to see how next weeks game goes...

8th May - Raining cats and dogs

2006-05-08T10:29:00.000+01:00

I forgot to even mention the second stag night. Just assume it consisted of more of the same but held in London and without making the stag dress up in anything.

I suppose it was really just a group of us taking advantage of the stags hospitality while his future wife was away doing what ever you do on hen nights (maul strippers I'd imagine).

One highlight was a tour around the Youngs Brewery in Wandsworth. Easily worth the 5.50 admission, mainly cos of the huge amounts of free beer we got afterwards. And it was educational. Probably.

Anyway, the wedding itself is next weekend, should be great fun and hopefully the weather will be a bit more spring instead of autumn.

Phew...

2006-05-02T19:55:00.000+01:00

Thank god that's all over for a while. Two stag weekends in two weeks, not really sure that my body can take that kind of punishment anymore.

Actually, I know for a fact that my body can't take that kind of punishment, it's been moaning about it for the last week and a half.

Still, I suppose that I should really supply some details. Let me see, bullet points are probably the best for this (help get my point across and persuade anyone who looks over my shoulder that I'm really working)...

The trip on the train to Newcastle seems to take no time on the way there (where you're distracted by plentiful amounts of lager and cute hen parties) but takes about 17 hours on the way back (when all you have to do is read The Times and get annoyed that once again you seem to have been missed off The UK Rich List)
Newcastle is pretty nice. Or at least the town centre is, no idea about the suburbs but my childhood experience would suggest that they look a bit like Byker Grove So much for the 'cheap north'. Just as expensive as London. At least it seemed that way as I spent a fortune (could explain the exclusion from the Rich List I suppose)
Go-Karting?! We're experts, my team could have given Schumaker a run for his money. Probably. The whole groups expoits were probably helped even more by totally ignoring the safety instructions. After all, is still being technically drunk a good reason not to drive a cart? Is not being allowed to drive a car due to a previous medical incident any reason not to drive a cart? No, we didn't think so either and team 3 (i.e. the team with me in it) came a respectable 2nd. Full marks to Mikey who managed to turn up to the course, look around, sign the waver form and then be violently sick in the nearest bin. Now that is some stunning form!
Violence. Personally, I was a bit worried about the whole Bigg Market/ease of getting into a fight thing. I've seen Police Action (or whatever it's called) and they're always showing someone with too much Burbery beating the hell out of someone with none. Still, Jes managed to ease my worries, in quite a long detailed email he explained that it was just all urban myth and that his wife (who went to college in Newcastle) had never seen any trouble. Ironically he was one of the people involved in a fight on the first night and ended up in A&E. Still, I suppose he was right in a way as I didn't get in any trouble at all!
The Stag. Wow, it takes a real man to wear a leather mini skirt out around Newcastle so full marks to Jonus who did it on the first night. Probably takes even more of a man to wear a pair of jeans with the arse cut out and luckily he was up to that challenge as well.
The Curry. It's not a stag do without some curry being consumed and so we went to the stunning(ly bad) Curry Capital. After the main mean we all tried the 'worlds hottest curry'. Bloody hell, talk about hot, I ended up sweating so much I could stick napkin to my head. Horrible stuff. One of the other dishes seemed to give Steve a bit of an anaphylactic reaction which kind of sobered things up. Still, there's nothing that a handfull of antihistamines and a few pints can't sort out.

There was so much other stuff that went on, I haven't even mentioned the following:

Hasslehof Pants
Steve decorating the floor of the Travelogdge
Omar getting thrown out of a club for taking a photo of a cage dancer
Jonus' nakedness
Someone stealing our pen to stir their drink, not realising that it had spent most of the night nestled in Jon's crack.
Chris getting the signature of every girl in Newcastle on his T-Shirt
Some absolute git setting off the Travelodge fire alarm at 9am on Sunday morning
Alans amazing deal with the bar staff that saw us all drinking triple vodka and cokes.
The free tequila bar

Unfortunately, I just can't type that much. Certainly was a seriously hardcore weekend!

Oh lordy

2006-04-20T21:29:00.000+01:00

It's stag night (weekend) time again and so all the guys are off up to Newcastle for the weekend to see some sights and drink a few chilled beverages.

OK, get hammered, go go-karting and try to avoid anybody looking for a fight. I predict an alcohol broken body come sunday!

It's that time of the year

2006-04-20T21:23:00.000+01:00

It's appraisal time at work. This was my six month one where they told me if I was going to stay or not. It was a pretty standard thing where I was marked out of 5 categories (absolutely amazing, brilliant, standard, poor, piss poor).

Most of mine were in the standard section which is good enough I suppose. Still, not entirely sure how my timekeeping was 'standard' considering it seems that I'm always at the bloody place. I'm usually there before my boss and leave after him as well so I have no idea what he was basing that on. I was also told that I don't communicate well outside my immidiate team. Hardly a surprise I'd have said. After all, I'm a computer programmer, we're not supposed to have ultra outgoing personalities.

Was quite pleased that the standard of my work was rated in the 'brilliant' category though. Shows that I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, there should be a payrise in it so Monday might be a good day for a change!

Weymouth

2006-04-17T18:41:00.000+01:00

Weymouth, if you're tempted to go you've got to stay in the Beaufort Hotel. It's right on the waterfront and is a perfectly preserved piece of 1970's Fawlty Towers greatness.

It's got it all, slightly odd proprieters, holes in the wall, dead/sleepy dog in the Dining room and, best of all, only 2 toilets to share between about 12 rooms.

Quality.

And the best bit of all is that the doors are all slam-lock doors. So, if you are an idiot (like, say, me) and you decide to go to the toilet in the middle of the night whilst only wearing a pair of boxer shorts it makes for quite a cold night as you spend the next four hours sleeping on the landing....

Rules

2006-04-17T18:40:00.000+01:00

Now there is a well held rule that what goes on tour stays on tour. However, you have to wonder if 17 grown men dressed as cub scouts might have got us on some special register somewhere!

I may even publish a photo if any were taken. Hopefully it might have been a camera free night though!

Phew!

Muppet!

2006-04-17T18:32:00.000+01:00

I've been on Hockey tour this weekend. Sample conversation on the Friday morning....

Person A: So, why is Rich called Fragile
Person B: He's always getting injured, normally quite severly. He's even been injured in the warm up before
Person A: Ha ha, no one is that unlucky!

Person B: Has anyone seen Fragile
Person C: Yep, they've just loaded him into an ambulance. He got hit on the thumb
Person B: !!!!!

Person B: So what is the situation with Fragile.
Person C: It looks like he's broken his thumb. He's gone for a scan.
Person B: !!!!

Person B, who is, like the rest of us, totally blown away at Fragiles ability to get injured: Any further news
Person A: Yes, he's smashed his thumb in at least two places. They've taken him to a bigger hospital and are going to operate today.
Person B: !!!!! *$%&^£^&$ !!!!!

You've got to be impressed really, we'd only been at the hockey club for about 10 minutes and we managed to lose one player for a 36 hour stay in a hospital.

Stunning.

Spot the jobsworth....

2006-04-11T14:11:00.000+01:00

This is an extract of an email that was sent around this morning. Anyway.....

An information security manager is basically concerned about the passwords that are used to access our email accounts. Therefore (check out the example, it's pure class) :

Password Composition
If your current password does not conform to the following minimum standards, it will be necessary for you to change it. The standards required are:
Minimum of 8 characters
A complex password consisting of a combination of the following character sets:
Upper and Lower case letters, i.e. A B C D etc… a b c d etc
Numbers, i.e. 0123456789
Special characters, i.e. ! " £ $ % ^ & * ( ) = + / # [ ] { } ? @ > <>

Password Security
Passwords are for individual use only, they are not to be shared,nor written down such that they can be found and used by any other person.
A password is your passport to access our systems; passwords are personal and must be of sufficient quality to prevent them from being easily guessed by unauthorised persons. Is yours like one of these?

qwerty

@Eg2wtWC-2006inG?

A character string like qwerty, used by many, can be detected by a password scanning system in less than 1 second.
The other is unlikely to be detected at all, it may look difficult or impossible to remember, but it actually means:
Are England going to win the World Cup - 2006 in Germany?

Come on, in all honesty, how easy do you think it would be to use (and remember) a password like @Eg2wtWC-2006inG?.

Bloody hell

2006-04-07T10:57:00.000+01:00

That last one was a bit deep for me. Proof positive that you really shouldn't use computers when you've been out on the beers all night.

Still, rather unsurprisingly, all the papers were covered in the 'bird flu' story today. My favourite being the Metro which stated "Don't Panic" which obviously translates neatly to "Quick, panic now, you're all going to die". So far I haven't seen a paper with a "Top 10 ways not to get the Bird Bug" but it's only a matter of time.

Are we living in a climate of artificially generated fear....?

2006-04-07T01:54:00.000+01:00

Ok, so this isn't probably the best time to write a post, after all, I've just been down the pub for the last 7 or 8 hours. Still, important things have to be mentioned.

The primary reason I'm writing this is due to the discovery of the dead swan in the north of Scotland. It's the kind of cue (que? queue?) that publications like the Daily Mail need to start writing stories of the imminant destruction of the human race. And the worst thing is, once one paper does it, they'll all be onto it like a pack of hungry beavers in a woodchip pile.

Now, although it's news, and don't get me wrong here, it's a damn site more news worthy than some chunky ex-atomic kitten deciding that she likes the local window cleaner, it's massively overated.

We're dealing with a vague possiblility here. Something that might affect a human. Could possibly affect a human. But so far hasn't widely. At the moment, the vast majority of the people who've died from 'avian flu' have been the people that have been continually handling birds, farmers and the like. The thing is, newspapers rely on fear to sell papers and this is an absolute boon to them, they see the possibility of disaster and are building it up like it's going out of fashion. The worst thing is that this seems to be a continuing trend, after all, doesn't every minor scare seem to be totally blown out of the window at the moment? Ask yourself seriously, are you actually any less safe now than you would have been in 1996 or 1986? We're living in a world where we're being forced to fear the most and expect the least. We're being controlled, effectively, by the forced conception of fear as opposed to the actual reality of the world that we live in.

A world where we are no more likely to get murdered, no more likely to get raped and no more likely to have our child abused than we were in the 1950s. And so you have to ask yourself, who is generating this fear. Who has the most to gain from a populous scared. Who would use this false information to mold the public on the whole to a mind set that they want to achieve?

The answer being....

That's up to you to decide. But I would like to recommend a book. It's called The Traveller and while it may not blow your mind, it may force you to ask some questions....

Things about me...

2006-03-24T21:11:00.000Z

It is general blogging tradition to, at some point, do one of those list things about yourself. I've been putting it off for a while so with out further ado.....

I went to the same school as Roger Waters. And he hated it so much that it inspired Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick in the Wall'. I quite liked it (the school that is. I like the song too).
I work for a brokers in the City. But I'm an I.T. geek rather than a cool trader.
I always refer to the City of London as the City and assume that everyone knows which one I'm talking about
My favourite song is Tiny Dancer by Elton John
People who spell Potato and Tomato wrongly really annoy me. Actually, bad grammar is a bit off putting generally
No matter how many times I see it, the talking moose scene in Fawlty Towers always makes me laugh.
The last person I spoke to on the phone was my dad.
I don't like clowns. But I like songs that involve clowns (Send in the clowns - Frank Sinatra, Death of a clown - The Kinks)
I'm a big fan of pubs but not clubs. I prefer to talk to friends rather than shout at them
I love playing hockey. It's one of the few forms of outside exercise I'll volunteer for without being forced
I don't wear glasses although the speccyness of the rest of my family doesn't bode well for my future.
I've got a younger brother, he doesn't look much like me.
Favourite month? June probably
I've got a sports car and I love it. Sod practicality.
I know at least 4 people who have the same birthday as me. Including the guy who sits opposite me at work
I've lived in 3 countries and each has had their own good and bad points. England is always home though.
I have a lot of trouble bouncing a coin off a table into a wine glass. It's wierd but you wouldn't realise how much trouble this has got me into in the past.
I love New Zealand (especially Wanaka and Queenstown), the scenery and people are amazing but it's all just too far away.
I like definite temperatures. It's either hot or cold, I'm not keen on this whole 'mild' thing
I'd rather eat Japanese food than Indian.
I actually have a real problem with counting. I lose count really easily so have to use my fingers or write down sub-totals all the time.
I'm a really keen swimmer. My current aim is get my 1000m time down to 15 minutes. It's proving quite hard.
I've lived in 11 cities/towns.
My favourite films are Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.
I've ridden a camel but never a horse. Camels really aren't that comfortable.
I live in a town 30 miles outside the capital but work and socialise in London. I may have made a wrong decision when buying.
I'm afraid of heights (nearly passed out when asked to walk across the glass floor in the Auckland Sky Tower)
I hate spiders. Actually, not just them, I'm pretty much scared of anything with more legs than a donkey.
My first Passport photo was off a decent looking 17 year old with lots of hair. My new one looks like Jason Statham. It's strange that neither of them actually looked like me.
I have a lump on my chest that freaks out doctors but is some kind of strange genetic thing rather than a tumour. My Mum and Grandmother have one in pretty much the same place.
I'm 31 (can you see what i've done there?)
I had Osgood-Schlatter Disease as a kid. It means I have one particularly nobbly knee.

Friday 24th March

2006-03-24T21:07:00.000Z

Possibly my favourite quote of the day:

"Islam is a religion of peace, tolerance, kindness and integrity. " as said by Ansarullah Mawlafizada, a judge that wants to kill a man because he converted to Christianity (see here).

Read the article, you'll be amazed by the stunning levels of tolerance, peace and kindness shown!

Just the kind of publicity the Islamic faith needs!

Friday 24th, 2006

2006-03-24T08:23:00.000Z

A number of totally unconnected things...

1. It's pay day. Woo and Hoo!
2. It's raining and cold. But that really shouldn't come as a surprise
3. There were more helicopters hovering around last night. I bet it's only a matter of time before we have our first drive by (shooting that is, it'll be a long time before we get anything as civilised as a drive by McDonalds)
4. I left work at 7:30 last night, and got in at 7:45 this morning. If you take out the three hours travelling that means that I had just over 9 hours at home yesterday, and 6 of those were spent asleep. Life? I don't think so.
5. The Starbucks lady looked at me as if I was a serial murderer this morning, and just because I ordered a Frapeccino rather than a hot coffee.

I think that's all for now

Would you shop here?

2006-03-20T15:37:00.000Z

This is a shop on Guildford High Street. As you can see, it sells Memory Foam.

Does anyone else think that this is a strange choice for a High Street in suburbia? It's not as if you get many people wandering around town who suddenly think 'gosh, I've just remembered, we're totally out of Memory Foam'.

Or do you, perhaps it's only me that doesn't buy this stuff on a weekly/monthly basis.

I'm being watched

2006-03-20T15:03:00.000Z

There was another helicopter hovering over me today, this time just outside the office. Perhaps I'm being watched by shadowy government types (like Will Smith in that film where he was watched by shadowy government types, possibly Enemy of the State).

It's a bit unlikely as I haven't done anything wrong, nor have I seen any prominent politicians being murdered but you can never tell with these people. I'll be keeping an eye out for more surveillance.

Right, that's it

2006-03-20T15:01:00.000Z

We've had a bit of a discussion in the office and have decided that we've had enough of the cold shitty weather.

Last year, it was 20 degrees in London on the 18th March, this year (with wind chill) it was about 1.

So could whoever's in charge please stop tarting around and sort it out. Cheers.

It's all getting a bit LA

2006-03-19T22:56:00.000Z

There's a helicopter hovering over the street with a powerful searchlight, every now and again it swings around and moves a bit further through town.

To be honest, it's all a little bit too 'Police Camera Action' for Guildford. Unless this is the new 'hood front line that is...

Wedding-tastic!

2006-03-19T22:20:00.000Z

This year really seems to be the year of the wedding. I've been hitting a pretty constant 3 per year for the last few years and kind of thought that I'd maxed out on the whole thing. Guess not though as I've got four this year and they're nicely spread around as well.

Wedding 1. Somewhere down in the depths of Cornwall, near the Lizard. The travelling's going to be a nightmare but the weddings going to be great.

Wedding 2. My cousins, up in Manchester. Should be quite a good bash and it's always nice to catch up my cousins as we all get on so well but very rarely see each other. Possible bad sides are the travelling again though. They're getting married on a Friday before a Bank Holiday. Normally this would mean that I'd drive up quite late on a Thursday night, after work and missing a lot of the traffic. This time though I have to drive my grandmother up, which probably means taking a day off work and struggling through day time traffic, all with an 85 year old woman squashed into my (reasonably compact) car. Should be amazing fun. To top it all off, I have to be in Devon the next day, so that means getting up early and driving another 250 miles. Nice!

Wedding 3. A good mates, over in Bristol. That should be a good one.

Wedding 4. An old friend I haven't seen for a while. The weddings in Colorado, in the winter. Can you think of a much better location, there'll be snow, possibly some skiing, it's going to be great and will probably be my only holiday abroad this year. I'm seriously looking forward to it.

To top it all off, I've even got my first invite for next year! My brother is getting married on the 31st March and I get to be best man. Hurrah!

Quiet Weekend

2006-03-18T18:08:00.000Z

Having a bit of a quiet one this weekend, no going out, no drinking, no waking up on a Sunday wishing that I was actually in my own house and no waking up on a Monday still feeling terrible due to a lack of sleep and the last trails of booze leaving my system.

It actually feels quite good, boring but not so boring that you actively search out things to do instead. It's not something I'd like to do every weekend but for a one off every now and again it's pretty nice just to chill out for a while.

More than anything else it'll make a nice recovery point before the next 6 weeks starts, a pretty much continual stream of parties, social occaisions, stag dos and finally a wedding. Somehow I think I'll be looking back at this weekend with envy soon!

It's that time again

2006-03-17T15:12:00.000Z

Spring is officially going to have sprung soon and so I've decided to start doing some proper execise again. So, this time around it's going to be running. Not far to start, just from Waterloo to work.

It's not that far, just less than 3 miles each way. It will, however, be quite a big step for me. While I don't mind cycling and I quite enjoy swimming, I've never really managed to get into the whole running thing.

This time though, I'm going to give it a proper shot. According to a mate of mine it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I start to enjoy the whole process and after about 6 weeks I should really notice the increase in fitness. So, the countdown starts here, let's see how long I can keep it up...

Stupid Blogger

2006-03-09T11:48:00.000Z

For some reason, Blogger is stopping me from publishing any message over 3 lines in length.

Annoying.

And another shitty snowstorm

2006-03-02T23:56:00.000Z

I work with a guy who, day in and day out, predicts stunningly bad, snowy weather. He's currently been wrong every day so far. But then, it has been snowing a bit each day so perhaps he's edging towards rightness.

Anyway, can't really think right at the moment due to lots of Stella. Drinking on a school night you may ask, well yes, why the hell not as it is my birthday and everything.

So, here's drinking to me hitting 31 and my poor mum, who just can't believe that she has a son that old!

Oh, it's stopped

2006-02-28T16:04:00.002Z

Again. I wish the weather could get it's act together and just make up it's mind.

Preferably a huge snowfall just after I get home that would result in a free day off work. Nice.

Wow, it's snowing

2006-02-28T16:03:00.000Z

Bugger

2006-02-27T17:14:00.000Z

My work colleague has just told me that there's snow predicted tomorrow. Now while it very rarely snows in the beautiful county of Surrey it does get bloody cold and so I think the chances of me putting on some shorts and cycling has once again receded into distance.

Curse my optimism, spring hasn't sprung yet.

Hurrah!

2006-02-27T17:07:00.000Z

Hurrah I say, it is actually light when I leave for work now. Which means the bike can be brought out of it's winter hibernation and exercise can resume.

There's nothing grimmer than leaving for work when it's dark and coming back when it's darker, kind of sucks the will to live from you. And I don't have it that bad, my working day with travelling is not normally that much over 12 hours, I really don't know how people do more than that.

The use of the bike means that there is much more chance of me actually doing some running as well (arrive at Waterloo in exercise clothes so may as well run to work rather than get another train) . These things all tend to lead on to each other in the long run and it can only be beneficial.

Anyway, the original point of this message was to say that Serenity is out on DVD today and I really liked the (now cancelled) series so hopefully it'll be great.

I do seem to be getting easily distracted at the moment...

Getting with the digital age

2006-02-26T17:22:00.000Z

I bought my first digital radio on Saturday. And it's brilliant. So clear, so easy to tune in, it shows you who is playing and title of the track and just makes me want one for the car even more.

I also got a couple of other cool things, a kick ass combined remote control that has meant that I can ditch the four I did have cluttering up the living room and a wireless broadcasting thingy that means I can watch Sky on my bedroom TV.

Ah technology. I love it.

Fancy Dress choices

2006-02-26T17:14:00.000Z

In the end I had to think on my feet, the naval uniform was too small due to some bizarrely sized trousers (massive waist, huge flares, very tight thighs) and after thinking carefully about the Ostrich I decided that I just didn't want to look as camp as the guy in the photo (go on, scroll down a bit and take a look, camp as all hell. I think it's something to do with the hat).

So, when thrown in at the deep end, I improvised and went as Indiana Jones. I think the costume worked pretty well in the end although I was perhaps a little too much like Richard Chamberlain in King Solomons Mines. Still, no one had to ask who I was. There'll be photos up on the other site soon enough, once I finally get my act together with the rewrite.

The party was pretty good as well, lots of drinking and dancing and all that kind of thing. Did manage to break my body in a couple of ways, burns through flaming Sambuca and a couple of bruises due to an illadvised scooter stunt but nothing too bad.

I'm back...

2006-02-26T17:09:00.000Z

I've bene big on the slackness recently, mainly due to excessive work loads, lack of internet connection at home and a touch of illness.

Actually, I was going to write a huge rant about Tiscali and their comic levels on inadequacy which left me without a broadband connection for three weeks. But now it's back on I've calmed down and will just say this.

They're shit. And if you have a problem that is their fault then you can't cancel your contract unless they can't solve it in 28 days. And their helpdesk couldn't help anyone out of a wet paper bag.

Anyway, I'll write posts about the final fancy dress choice soon, as I'm sure that everyone is interested....

Yuck

2006-02-15T18:35:00.000Z

The top of my left calve looks like this at the moment:

Note the swelling, bruising, blood and the general mankiness. I tell you, astroturf, looks green and fluffy but is actually Satans sandpaper.

It's also pretty painful.

Fancy Dress

2006-02-15T18:27:00.000Z

Big party on Saturday and a fancy dress is required. It's an eighties theme so I've had a look around and come up with the following two options

1. The Richard Gere Officer and a Gentleman white navy uniform:

Which I reckon will be quite a hit with the laydees.

2: The Bernie Clifton Ostrich

Which probably won't be.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Yuck

2006-02-15T18:25:00.000Z

I have to say, I've felt pretty bad the last couple of days. Sick to the stomach (literally) you might say. And yet I still come in to work, does this mean I'm getting more mature, not willing to have a day off because I have miles too much to do.

Or does it just mean that I'm an idiot.

Exercise

2006-02-09T17:20:00.000Z

I've just figured out that I walk almost 6 miles a day. Could explain why my shoes needed resoling after only two and a half months I suppose.

Now, if I could only step that up to running instead of walking then perhaps I wouldn't be such a fat, unfit git!

Sick Day

2006-02-06T12:33:00.000Z

Did you know that today is the 'National Sick Day'. It's statitiscally the day where most people decide to throw a sickie and bunk off work.

Supposedly it's because the winter is dragging on and the next bank holiday isn't even anywhere in sight.

You know, I wish I'd taken today off. Work is seriously dragging today.....

More film reviews

2006-01-31T09:19:00.000Z

Another in an incredibly infrequent series.....

Fantastic 4 - Don't watch it, it's crap.

40 Year Old Virgin - Do watch it, it's good.

You know, I think I'm in the running for Jonathan Ross' job on Film 2006!

Eviiillll

2006-01-31T09:18:00.000Z

You may have noticed, the stairs and I don't really get on that well.

The one where I break my finger

2006-01-31T09:04:00.000Z

Ok, so it isn't actually broken, but it hurt at the time. Anyway, the story of the 'break' is probably more amusing than the medical condition anyway.

It was a normal wintery Saturday afternoon, I'd just finished playing hockey and rather than having a shower straight away, I was sitting in my sweaty smelly clothes reading the paper. Suddenly I caught sight of the clock and realised that if I was going to get to Cambridge on time for my evenings planned drinking excess then I'd really have to leave soon.

So, I took off all my clothes, threw them in the washing machine (that's the beauty of living alone, you can walk around naked if you so desire) and bounded up the stairs. I was about halfway up when I realised, due to a deadly combination of angles and windows it would be totally possible for my elderly next door neighbour to be innocently walking though her hallway, look up and get a perfect view of my bounding hairy arse.

Now, I'm in no rush to kill an old person through hairy arse exposure and so I jumped up the last two stairs in an attempt to hide myself. Then I slipped and smashed my fingers in to the wall.

And it bloody hurt.

And then they went all stiff and turned yellowy green.

When I finally left the house (after sitting on the couch for an hour, with my fingers wrapped in ice) I noticed that the neighbour has blocked up the window in the door anyway.

Success!

2006-01-26T13:31:00.000Z

I think I've found it, the thing people have been seeking since their early childhood. That that normally seems to be an impossibility. Yes, I've found a chocolate bar that actually seems to have GOT BIGGER.

Yes! No more getting that sinking feeling as you realise that the chocolate bar of your youth seems to have shrunken down to a fraction of its previous size, no more wondering if it's just that your hands have got slightly bigger and no more wondering if you've picked up the (totally misnamed) fun size pack instead.

And the name of this chocolatey beast, it's a Double Decker. And it seems to have grown in dimensions by about 30%. Bargain! Try it, try it now!

Note: This is not an advert by the Cadbury people. Honest.

Note 2: This might only apply to the Double Deckers dispensed by our work vending machine. Which could have fallen off the back of a lorry. Actually, given the writing on the pack, could well have fallen off a lorry of Middle Eastern origin.

Note 3: I suppose there is always the chance that my hands have got smaller or something.

Quiz Gods

2006-01-25T14:06:00.000Z

We (the team and I) won the pub quiz again last night. That's three times out of the last four weeks.

huzzah! Perhaps I'll be able to give up work and live on my knowledge based winnings soon.

Or perhaps not.

In other news, I fixed the banister last night and so it's now ready to support my drunken weight on Friday morning (after the Australia Day celebrations).

The Stairs......

2006-01-23T16:09:00.000Z

Did I mention that I managed to fall down my stairs a few weeks ago?

I should state now that I wasn't drunk or hungover, it was just a totally normal Wednesday morning. It's important to note that my stairs are a little bit steep, in the same way that Everest is a little bit of a mountain and that Gary Glitter is in a little bit of trouble.

The morning it happened I just slipped at the very top. I was in that state where you've just got out of bed and have the co-ordination of a drunken Aardvark and my feet just disappeared from underneath me. Because of my woozy state I was actually holding onto the banister though.

Lucky, you might think. But oh no, in a way that only made the whole situation a little bit worse. The speed of the fall and the fact that I was anchored to the banister meant that I pivoted neatly and smashed face first into the wall.

At least you didn't fall all the way down the stairs you may well now be thinking. Ah, unfortunatly the shock of slamming my face into the wall meant that I let go of the banister and slipped the rest of the stairs, finally coming to a stop as I hit the front door.

And then the banister fell off the wall.

Fixing the banister is another thing that I didn't get around to sorting out this weekend either.

Weekends

2006-01-23T16:00:00.000Z

Great aren't they. OK, so you don't actually achieve anything. And you do spend too much money. And you end up more tired than you were on Friday and by the end you've usually planned something to achieve the same results the next weekend.

So, what did my weekend consist of? Well, I had a great time but to the casual observer it probably seems very droll. I mean, lets face it. Does anybody really care that my hockey team won on Saturday or that I got trolleyed on Saturday night and then spent quite a lot of time trying to get the hell out of Brixton and back to Putney? No, probably not.

Anyway, that's what I did do, as well as going out drinking in Borough on Friday night and spending most of Sunday afternoon slumped on the sofa.

Bloody Hell

2006-01-17T22:34:00.000Z

So there I am, doing some geeky web stuff on the laptop and the TV is on in the background. ITV was on and there was a program about extreme surgery or some such thing.

Then they pan over the the hospitals resident dietician and suddenly my ex is on TV.

Bit of a shocker

Blue to Brown

2006-01-16T11:52:00.000Z

Ventured into the wilds of Tooting on the weekend to see a gig by Blue to Brown who are a Father and Son blues/rock band.

Great stuff, mainly focused around the rock side of things and this set was only a covers set but it was still everything you need from a band, loudness and great tunes.

The father (Rob Brown) belted out some great vocals and was a real performer what with his mad dancing and even madder staring while Dom (his son) played some amazing guitar tracks.

Definitely worth going to see them if you can.

That was Saturday night, Sunday was spent at work. Being bored shitless. I thought I'd be in and out in about 3 hours but ended up staying for about 6 or 7 in the end. I hate working weekends.

South Bank

2006-01-12T13:53:00.000Z

There is a really good (albeit small) photo exhibition of life in the areas affected by last years Tsunami outside the RNT on the South Bank at the moment.

I saw a similiar display in Oz last year but this shows how things have improved/not improved over the previous year.

Check it out if you're wandering along that way.

The lights in all the trees are very nice as well, make the whole area look quite scenic.

Too Picky?

2006-01-08T00:36:00.000Z

Is it wrong not to get in touch with someone (via an internet dating thing) because she spelt Potato with an 'e' at the end?

I know it seems a little nit-picky but that kind of thing really annoys me.

Across the wire

2006-01-05T14:04:00.000Z

I was sitting on the sofa last night, doing geeky programming tasks that I'd been putting off for ages. The TV was burbling on, serving only as background noise.

After a while I realised what I was watching, it was the 'Stunning Hit Movie' Barb Wire (starring Pammy Andersen). I have to say, I haven't seen such a shoddily put together, badly acted and all round terrible performance since the Waterbeach Primary School production of Oliver in about 1987. And at least I had a part in that.

Utter utter crap.

She did have impressively sized boobs though.

Unnngghhhh

2006-01-03T14:41:00.000Z

Happy New Year to one and all.

The celebrations nearly broke me but I did manage to come away from a pub right in the centre of Kings Cross with only two minor lacerations and bit of a hangover.

Top night all round and I have to say, choosing to stay over night in the pub you're getting pissed in is definitely the best idea. The night ends and all you have to do is stagger up the stairs to bed (or in my case, the landing outside my bedroom).

Now I've decided that to give my life some kind of purpose (as opposed to porpoise) I should set myself a target, something to achieve (that is actually achievable) for the next year. So, current front runners are

a. A German or French A-Level. My language skills are appalling and the challenge will certainly give me something to fill the time
b. Learn some basic piano skills. Admittedly this would mean having to buy a keyboard of somekind but it would still be cool to know
c. Get my motorbike licence. Downsides are obviously the danger and the fact that once I've got it I'll probably end up spending 5 grand I don't have on a bike that I probably don't really need.

Anyway, I shall make the decision soon.....

A disturbing lack of a plan

2005-12-27T23:53:00.000Z

We are shooting towards the New Year and for the first time in ages I don't have any plans for the upcoming year.

This year I went into it with three main aims:
1. Move back to the UK
2. Get myself a decent new job
3. Buy a house

And I did them. And I was impressed. And I was happy.

But, now I literally don't have anything on the horizon. No travel, no changes of work, no big aims to bankrupt myself over. All in all, I'm a bit worried that this could be very much a 'vanilla' year.

Just a quick note

2005-12-25T14:53:00.000Z

to wish everyone the happiest christmas. OK, so it's not snowing but everything can't be perfect!

Would write more but am hungover to all hell!

Merry Christmas!

James

Moan

2005-12-21T15:34:00.000Z

Why oh why do people get up and start queuing for the train doors when we are still 10 minutes outside Waterloo? Are they doing it especially because they like elbowing me in the head over and over again?

Gits.

It's all done

2005-12-21T15:28:00.000Z

I've finally got all my Christmas shopping done. Perfect timing as well as I've reserved the last Saturday before Christmas (i.e. Christmas Eve) for two things:

1. Driving my Grandmother to my parents house
2. Getting quite drunk with a few friends

Now, normally the Grandmother thing wouldn't really be a problem. The thing is, I own a two seater car which isn't really designed for moving bulky presents AND elderly grandmothers, so it could be a bit of a squeeze. The other, slightly more obvious thing is that the car is very close to the ground and a touch sporty and therefore not really suited to general Grandparent transport. Still, should be interesting to actually see it happen.

The drinking thing seems to have expanded quite a bit. The original plan was to have a couple of drinks in the evening. It now seems to have blown up to a full on Santa suit wearing, afternoon starting, clubbing ending monster session. I imagine that I'll not be the jolliest come Christmas day!

The Zombie like stare

2005-12-16T11:39:00.000Z

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind, the type you experience quite a lot in the run up to Christmas.

Yes, you guessed it I'm hungover as all hell. It's becomming increasingly difficult to try and look busy as well.

Curse you Christmas drinks, curse you all to hell

Quick, rework the theory

2005-12-15T10:13:00.000Z

A couple of weeks back, the Daily Mail was proclaiming that we'd all be dead from the freezing winter conditions. "Coldest for 50 years" they screamed, "and it's all down to global warming".

Today, there is a big feature about how the autumn and winter is the warmest it's been for years. Once again global warming is the culprit.

I'm fairly sure that they'll keep the cause and just change the affects to keep the scaremongering stories flowing.

Oh

2005-12-09T14:10:00.000Z

I forgot, that rant should also be aimed at the following people:

- People who step out of heavily overcrowded trains on to the platform and just stop.
- South West Trains for having the nerve to make me stand up every day and then put up the fares
- The people that comission reality tv shows. How stupid do you want to make our population
- The Daily Mail, for blatant doom mongering. In the last few weeks alone I should have died of

A Bird Flu Epidemic (where is it then?)
The extreme cold (mmm, it's chilly out but not that bad)
Drunken yobs running the streets due to the 24 hour opening (If I see one I'll have to ask them which pub they went to as I can't find any of the buggers)
Immigrants (generally)
Illegal Immigrants (specifically)
The evils of the Labour Government (for allowing all of the above to happen).

-County Councils who decide not to put up Christmas decorations to be more politcally correct. A load of bollocks, most of them have just stumbled onto a crafty money making scheme.

I think I ought to stop this now as I could go on for a couple of hours at this rate...

Mini Rant

2005-12-09T14:04:00.000Z

I haven't had a rant for a while but I'd just like to say that people who try and read books/papers/magazines while walking to work are BLOODY ANNOYING.

They dawdle along, pretty much directionless and get in everyones way. For christs sake, if the book is that good then stop and read it, or walk at a normal persons speed to your destination and then read it.

Imberciles.

So tempting.....

2005-12-07T16:18:00.000Z

Just had an email from our marketing dept telling us that CNBC are doing their market round up from our dealing room and that we should look professional and not swear or anything else unbecomming to the company.

The urge to wander around with a vacant look on my face mumbling "bastard fucksocks" is overwhelming...

Party Party Party

2005-12-06T11:54:00.000Z

It appears that I didn't make an arse of myself in anyway at the Christmas Party.
Wow, bit of a shocker. Actually I should suffix that by saying that I did make an arse of myself after I left the party.

The do itself was fairly cool, loads of free beer, wine and that kind of thing. The food was pretty lame though and who ever had booked the venue had obviously done it much earlier this year when the company had 70 less people working for it.

Still, all said and done, it wasn't bad for a Christmas Party. Quite a few amazing looking girls as well although I have no idea where they hang out during the day, perhaps they were hired specially.

Anyhow...I had a plan, a plan for getting home from London (where the party was, in Pall Mall don't you know) to Guildford (the suburbia where I live). The plan involved leaving at 12, getting to Waterloo and then getting the 1:05 train. Not a massive complex plan, or so you would have thought.

I left on schedule, and couldn't find a taxi. Not being a regular user of the tube, I didn't know that it went on until 12:30 so I decided that the best action available to me was so simply walk/run back to Waterloo. In a dinner jacket and slippy leather shoes.

The total distance was just under 2 miles and yet it took me just over 50 minutes to walk back. Resulting in a missed train. And a slightly confused (as to how to get home) me. In the end I waited 30-40 minutes for a taxi and then paid 35 quid to get to Putney where, thankfully, Omar and Chris put me up for the night. Cheers Guys.

So, finally, I left the party at midnight and didn't get back to my house until 11:30am the next day. Nicely done, even if I do say so myself.

Tra la la

2005-11-28T22:47:00.000Z

You know, I have absolutely nothing to write about at the moment. Still, it's the work Christmas party on Friday so that should provide some content.

Boring life, tra la la...

Sometimes

2005-11-18T16:43:00.000Z

It's all about size.

I'm getting concerned about whether or not the sofa is going to fit into the house. It should fit in the lounge perfectly, it's just whether it gets that far that is the problem.

Perhaps I should stop talking about house stuff now. If I've had enough then I'm sure every one else has...

The bed, the bed...

2005-11-16T16:42:00.000Z

My final trip to Croydon for quite some time (hopefully). The slats are replaced and the bed is finally complete. H U R R A H.

I've been told over and over again that this wouldn't have happened if I'd just gone to Bed Wonderland (or somesuch place) but, hey, it's all part of the experience. An experience I don't want to be experiencing for quite some time

Finally Finished

2005-11-15T16:39:00.000Z

Tuesday sees the final construction of the flat pack furniture. Apart from the bed of course. Just couldn't face another trip to Croydon. The house is a shit tip though. I've never seen so much cardboard and plastic.

Beginning to wish I'd bought a vacuum cleaner when I was spending so much on electronics in Comet.

Ok, so it's my fault

2005-11-14T16:38:00.000Z

I go back to Ikea.

I get the new slats for the bed.

I go home.

I find that the new slats are too big. I swear. A lot. I pledge never to go back to IKEA ever again.

Once I get new slats.

Ouch

2005-11-13T16:36:00.000Z

Sunday. Hungover. Can't move. Day is a write off.

More chance of me giving birth to a hippo than moving from my bed. Think it must have been a dodgy pint towards the end of the evening....